Holidays have calmed me down.

And now I'm in a dead state. It's Christmas and I should be feeling wonderful, because my mood always perks up around summer and Christmas, holiday cheer has a big effect on me. But the weather's been wet and I haven't managed to get down to the holiday spot, so I'm not feeling the glow. But the tree is up and that's pleasing. Lets me know that even though it seems that Christmas is years away, it's only six days.

But something else has happened. Now that school is over and I haven't seen any of my friends, I've calmed down a lot. My mood was really psycho when I was around them, and I was binging constantly. But these holidays have seen the binging me say farewell and a more controlled me come out. I've been fasting on and off, 24 hours here, 32 there, and it's paying off. I think I might actually have a shot at reaching my summer goal.

There's somthing I've always thought about this whole 'disorder': I like to think there is a finish date, a point where I will get to my 'ultimate goal' and finally feel accomplished, even if ' not 'happy' with myself, but the issue is that I don't have a goal weight really. There's my summer goal, yes, but that's not hardly low enough. Because it's not about weight, so much, or appearence. It's gone back to what it was at the beginning - a desperate, constant urge to feel empty. That light-headed, perfect clarity that was my original goal. I even posted about it, a few thousand months ago, on my other blog, but I can't be bothered retriving the file because I exported it. But that's what makes it low enough, as I said before. Not low weight, but just the idea that a low weight means that I get that feeling, and it isn't achievable at my summer goal.

Now, my final thing that I wanted to talk about. I'm having issues with this blog. As in, I'm still not sure whether to keep it. I'm battling with the idea that no one has the right to know my secrets so why am  posting them all over the web? - but I also want a place to vent, to get it all out. And a diary never seems to work. So I guess I'll keep it, but I might not post all that often.

P.S: Does anyone know who the blogger ' Arrow ' is?

Where has it all gone?

I used to update this thing twice a day at least but now I can't even be bothered. Things have gone really weird. For example, today. Home alone, almost all day. No dinner last night, hadn't eaten anything since lunch yesterday ( a grilled cheese sandwich, ugh ). Perfect recipe for disaster. A prime-binge time. But I didn't have breakfast. I went for a run with my sister, then I came home and burnt another 300 cals running. Did some areobics. Stayed standing for a few hours ( burns 40 more cals than sitting per hour ) then I ate a bit of chocolate cookie mix, but not much, no more than 100 cals, purged. Did more excercise. And then, just a few minutes ago, I made a chocolate mousse. There's now that in the fridge plus a trife. I could binge, I'ev been thinking about toast all day. But I can't. I even said to myself before ' binge, dammit. you can, why aren't you? ' but the truth is, I just don't want to. Just like that, plain and simple. Not because I want to lose, even though I do, but for no other reason than I just don't want to. I'm hungry, but I don't want to. It's weird, but it's so incredibly brilliant. I just hope it stays that way for the whole holidays. Then maybe, maybe I'll be thin for the new year.

On to other things now. There was the christmas party at my local theatre yesterday evening, which I of course went to because the people there are some of my closest friends in the world. And here comes the bit which is pre-meditated by a long and complicated story of break-ups and make-ups, but anywho, my crush ( actually it's a bit more serious than a crush considering I've been in love with him for the last four years ) was talking to me liked he actually liked me, which doesn't sound like much but it actually is considering things have been extremely akward between the two of us for a very long time. But it made me so happy, like, estatic. Quite honestly. It's so soppy, isn't it? I'm just a lovesick teenager. Oh, how pathetic, but what is is. I just hate
being referred to as 'in love' because it sounds stupid. But yes. I'm happy, for now.

So what has happened while I've been gone? The same as what has happened for most. School's ended, holidays have started and we're all a little bit closer to the food fest that is Christmas. Also made about ten times worse for me as my sister and father's birthdays are both in December, and chances are we'll being going out to dinner for both of those. And that is a depressing fact, especially because I am known for eating large amounts when out on the town, so if I don't, they'll realise that something is wrong. Oh joy.

Has anyone heard of Ellie Goulding, Lights or Gabrielle Aplin? If you haven't, search for them on Youtube, especially 'Home' by Ellie Goulding. It's incredible. They are so of the most amazing artists and remind me so much of summer. Which is the other thing - this summer ain't very sunny. Stupid summer.

It's official.

I'm mental.
It's official, see? I'm a true, lock-her-up-and-throw-away-the-key type. I took a depression test, and there was a forum thing, for people who'd scored what I had, pretty much. There was a lady signed up with the site, because it was an official doctors and shit type site, with clinics in real life and all that, and we started up a chat and guess what? She fucking diagnosed me. Dysthymia. That's what I've got. Legal nutcase here. It's even got a fancy name. I've actually been diagnosed, by a doctor, with a psychological issue.
I don't know how to feel. I don't know if I believe her, seeing as it was over the internet. She could be a freak, the whole site and company could be a bunch of nutcases. But really, if it's true, how am I supposed to feel about knowing I'm a true nutter? How do I react? I don't know. I don't really care. It's just weird. I don't feel crazy, or depressed. Just sad most of the time. Not depressed. Not someone with dysthymia.
Honestly, I think I'm just a little bit scared.

Well, look who's come crawling back.

None other than me.
Yes, I'm back. I've been gone for a while, it seems.
But I've come crawling back. I knew I would eventually. I just had to find the right moment.
Of course, this all comes at a price. I have to convince my friends that I'm over this.
Totally over it.
And it's hard, because I've tried to do it before and it hasn't worked. I just can't seem to stop talking about food, weight, exercise. I can't stop exercising. But now I have to, or at least, stop while I'm around them.
I just don't want them knowing. How much I've eaten, how much I weigh, my measurements. It doesn't feel right. People with real eating disorders don't flaunt it to their friends. They don't flash it about. They keep it secret, only disclosing, on odd occasions, to people who don't know them, like we do to our followers. And I don't want to be a wannarexic, who's happy to tell and show all. I want to be real, if I have to be at all, which it seems I do. So now it's all a matter of playing the game right.
Of being a true eating-disordered person. I can achieve that if they don't know. Because then they can't get compeditive. If they don't know how much I weigh, how much I exercise, they can't one up me.
Because as I am an extremely untrusting person, I do honestly believe that they would do that. But if they don't know, they can't. I win. And my goal is to be thinner than the thinnest one, who's blog I've found but she doesn't know it. yes, I know this is bitchy, self-centred and hypocritical, but then I can know her measurements, her weight, how much she exercises, and I can one up her easily. I'm a horrid person, I know.
Thing is, I don't particually care.
And now I begin a tremedous task - catching up with all of you darling's blogs.
Love xx.

Victory

Yes I know I've posted alot today. When I get bored, I end up with a lot of things to talk about. Anyway, fish and chips on the beach didn't happen, thank god. We did still go to the beach, but seeing as my sister didn't go, we just decided to get gelato instead, yumy and much healthier, althouh still pretty bad. But that means that now, dinner consists of an omlette with two egg yolks and one full egg, seeing as I couldn't get away with just using the whites. But again, still better than fish and chips. But tomorrow, again, will be even better. I might even fast (:

Fish and Chips on the Beach? Really?

Oh, my life is over. My mother is taking me and my sister out to the beach and we're going to have greasy, disgusting fish and chips for dinner. A pile of deep-fried carbohydrate, anyone? But I told her I'd eaten a lot today, and that I didn't want to gain weight ( she's knows I'm trying to lose weight, she just doesn't know how much, or how I'm doing it ) so I will only eat the fish, and peel off all the batter. Even then, I'll only eat a little bit. For the rest of today, food-wise, it's been okay. I've been snacking on sushi and lemon meraguine cookies ( only 28 calories! ) and I had a bagel and scramed eggs for breakfast ): Even though I didn't want to have breakfast, but I was studying and got extremely frustrated at square roots, or cubed roots, for that matter, and I decided that I needed to be full to have a fuctioning brain. Of course, I felt bad after so I've spent the entire day randoly exercising. Half and hour on the exercycle, resistance five, half an hour of aerobics, twenty mins of dance practice, streches and so forth. But I still don't think I've burned enough, so I'll probably do soe more time on the exercycle. I was supposed to go to my father's place to study, so he could help me with maths. I hate math, it hates me, you get the picture. But that didn't happen so I've been moochng around all day and snacking, but at least I got some exercise in.

Yes, I am aware this is my second post today. Just shows how bored I am.
14 followers? I gained two followers since this morning? Wow.

At Least It Wasn't A Binge.

Yesterday... well, it could have been better. Admittedly, I wouldn't have gone over 100 calories, and then I had ballet, aerobcs, walking and running to make up for it, but I still think it was bad. In fact, I know it was bad. I just weighed myself, and I've gained a kilo. I'm 54 again. This has to go. I gain even when I haven;t binged. And reading the entry I posted before, about the girl who doesn't binge, it makes me feel so ashamed. But as I have told many people, today is a new day. I was contemplating haing breakfast but I've decided it won't happen. I'll have a tiny lunch when I take a break from studying, and then I'll have dinner and go to bed.  want to lose all this weight, now. And if I can make it past the weekend, then I won't have to eat so much during the week because of school and dance and such. Also, I'm totally broke, so I can't buy any food. Which is fantastic.

I think there's something wrong with blogger. I've had this new blog for two, three days now, and somehow, I have 12 beautful followers! I love you guys, so much. You are my motivation. I'll get thin for you, promise.

Now for replies:
Zette: I'm 165 cm, 5'4 tall.
A.Stone: Glad you liked it
Bella: An inspiration? Me? That warms my heart so much. Although I'm probably not so inspiring after yesterday.
Amy: If it keeps you gong, I'm sure it's fine. Different things work for different people (:
Pixiestix014: I'll have to try that. *puts head on straight* Thanks!

Four Followers?

I think my eyes must be malfuctioning. Four followers in one day, really? This is fantastic, as my other blog was follower-less for about two weeks. Wow, but I love you guys! I'll try and make this blog more visually appealing too, add some extra information and such.

This is a rather tragic start to a new blog though, weight wise. I've stayed firmly put at 117 llbs. I'm not calling it a plateu yet because it's only been there for two days, and I have to admit I haven't been eating very well. But that will all change. I read a girl's post on Tumblr which goes:
'I get thousands of questions asking me how I’m doing this..
well here’s the answer.

I don’t give up.
I dont step on the scale and see 10 pounds gone and go reward myself with a bigmac meal from mcdonalds, I don’t think that because I did well yesterday I can enjoy a chocolate bar or bowl of pasta today, I don’t make excuses and say “I Messed up today, I’ll start again tomorrow (or next week)”, and I don’t binge.

If you want it THAT BAD, then you will do ANYTHING you’ve got to do to get there. No tomorrow, or next week, or the first of next month, no - NOW, right now'

I think her way of doing this is amazing. I don't reward myself for losing, but I do binge, and that does have to change. I want this bad, so bad. And really, I've been fooling myself saying ' oh, one day where I get to enjoy food - it doesn't matter ' But it does, it matters so much. I don't want to start over tomorrow, or next week - I'm starting now, and I won't stop. No binges, no nothing. Whenever I feel like binging I will read that post and cringe at my own weakness, and then not binge. If it works - no, when it works, I will thank her endlessly, and I will, for once, be thin and controlled as I have been striving to be.

Love xx.

Little Girl On The Run

At first glance, I look pretty new here. Reality is, I've been here a while under different accounts. Once known as Crushed and Created, I had to delete my blog because after weeks of my friends knowing about it, I decided that I couldn't be honest on that blog so it had to go. So here I am again, a girl on the run from her 'friends' who are intent on finding out every little detail of my twisted life.

The purpose of this blog is to keep me motivated. You could say that it's pro-ana, but in a different way, I guess. I won't give any tips or tricks, and I won't tell anyone they have to be anorexic. Anorexia is a disease and it kills. I do not have an eating disorder as far as I know, I have never been put into treatment or therapy, but I do have disordered eating behaviours. So here I will record my progress and just talk about my life. Just a note: I am not trying to be anorexic. Or, 'wannarexic'. Sure, I restrict and purge but I'm not an annoying 12 year old who is enticed by the glamourized media version of eating disorders. I know they ruin lives and kill, I am very aware of that. If I do develope one, it is not by choice.