Why am I here now? Stuck between the world of the normal and the world of the 'sick'.
I guess this whole 'disorder' has been with me since I was very young - it didn't show up for a while though. Firstly, I was a normal child; I lived for food. Sugar was my fuel, and I would do anything to get my family to buy me ice-cream, take me out for dinner. My sister was always the opposite; she loved fruit and all things healthy. She was a stick, underweight and a compedetive swimmer. She missed out on Nationals by 0.4 of a second. She was good, because she was thin and fit. Acidemically, she was phenomenal. Chairman of the school council in primary school. She won three major awards at intermediate, and now, at high school about to start Year 13, or in other words, 7th form, she's a prefect with a very good chance of becoming Deputy or even Head Girl. She's a star. What could a dumb, fat little girl do to compare with that?
Not much.
The real shock came when my mother, whilst filling out our child records, plotted my eight-year-old weight on a dotted red line and said ' Kimberley, you're borderline overweight'. I never forgot that. Here I was, all eight years of fat and sugar, and overweight. At the time though, it had no real effect, although it damaged my self-esteem. And I lost weight after that - I didn't want to stay overweight. I thought I would die at 21. I was fat, fat, fat. When I was nine, that was the main point when I said ' no more '. No more sugar, no more fat, no more food. My rebellion went unnoticed though - I didn't know how to refuse food. I didn't have my excuses lined up, neat little que-cards like I do now. So I did the one thing I could think of doing. I purged. It hurt but I thought it was for the best. After a while of that though, it just.. faded out. I had bigger things to worry about; I was getting older. I would go to intermediate soon. It was a chance to start over.
Until this year, of course. On New Years, I made my resoloution. Nothing but fruit and water. I wanted perfection, and I wanted it fast. Starving, as I knew from past experience, was the way to do that. And so it has continued. I will be thin, and ths is the way to get there.
