Holidays have calmed me down.

And now I'm in a dead state. It's Christmas and I should be feeling wonderful, because my mood always perks up around summer and Christmas, holiday cheer has a big effect on me. But the weather's been wet and I haven't managed to get down to the holiday spot, so I'm not feeling the glow. But the tree is up and that's pleasing. Lets me know that even though it seems that Christmas is years away, it's only six days.

But something else has happened. Now that school is over and I haven't seen any of my friends, I've calmed down a lot. My mood was really psycho when I was around them, and I was binging constantly. But these holidays have seen the binging me say farewell and a more controlled me come out. I've been fasting on and off, 24 hours here, 32 there, and it's paying off. I think I might actually have a shot at reaching my summer goal.

There's somthing I've always thought about this whole 'disorder': I like to think there is a finish date, a point where I will get to my 'ultimate goal' and finally feel accomplished, even if ' not 'happy' with myself, but the issue is that I don't have a goal weight really. There's my summer goal, yes, but that's not hardly low enough. Because it's not about weight, so much, or appearence. It's gone back to what it was at the beginning - a desperate, constant urge to feel empty. That light-headed, perfect clarity that was my original goal. I even posted about it, a few thousand months ago, on my other blog, but I can't be bothered retriving the file because I exported it. But that's what makes it low enough, as I said before. Not low weight, but just the idea that a low weight means that I get that feeling, and it isn't achievable at my summer goal.

Now, my final thing that I wanted to talk about. I'm having issues with this blog. As in, I'm still not sure whether to keep it. I'm battling with the idea that no one has the right to know my secrets so why am  posting them all over the web? - but I also want a place to vent, to get it all out. And a diary never seems to work. So I guess I'll keep it, but I might not post all that often.

P.S: Does anyone know who the blogger ' Arrow ' is?