Well, look who's come crawling back.

None other than me.
Yes, I'm back. I've been gone for a while, it seems.
But I've come crawling back. I knew I would eventually. I just had to find the right moment.
Of course, this all comes at a price. I have to convince my friends that I'm over this.
Totally over it.
And it's hard, because I've tried to do it before and it hasn't worked. I just can't seem to stop talking about food, weight, exercise. I can't stop exercising. But now I have to, or at least, stop while I'm around them.
I just don't want them knowing. How much I've eaten, how much I weigh, my measurements. It doesn't feel right. People with real eating disorders don't flaunt it to their friends. They don't flash it about. They keep it secret, only disclosing, on odd occasions, to people who don't know them, like we do to our followers. And I don't want to be a wannarexic, who's happy to tell and show all. I want to be real, if I have to be at all, which it seems I do. So now it's all a matter of playing the game right.
Of being a true eating-disordered person. I can achieve that if they don't know. Because then they can't get compeditive. If they don't know how much I weigh, how much I exercise, they can't one up me.
Because as I am an extremely untrusting person, I do honestly believe that they would do that. But if they don't know, they can't. I win. And my goal is to be thinner than the thinnest one, who's blog I've found but she doesn't know it. yes, I know this is bitchy, self-centred and hypocritical, but then I can know her measurements, her weight, how much she exercises, and I can one up her easily. I'm a horrid person, I know.
Thing is, I don't particually care.
And now I begin a tremedous task - catching up with all of you darling's blogs.
Love xx.

Victory

Yes I know I've posted alot today. When I get bored, I end up with a lot of things to talk about. Anyway, fish and chips on the beach didn't happen, thank god. We did still go to the beach, but seeing as my sister didn't go, we just decided to get gelato instead, yumy and much healthier, althouh still pretty bad. But that means that now, dinner consists of an omlette with two egg yolks and one full egg, seeing as I couldn't get away with just using the whites. But again, still better than fish and chips. But tomorrow, again, will be even better. I might even fast (:

Fish and Chips on the Beach? Really?

Oh, my life is over. My mother is taking me and my sister out to the beach and we're going to have greasy, disgusting fish and chips for dinner. A pile of deep-fried carbohydrate, anyone? But I told her I'd eaten a lot today, and that I didn't want to gain weight ( she's knows I'm trying to lose weight, she just doesn't know how much, or how I'm doing it ) so I will only eat the fish, and peel off all the batter. Even then, I'll only eat a little bit. For the rest of today, food-wise, it's been okay. I've been snacking on sushi and lemon meraguine cookies ( only 28 calories! ) and I had a bagel and scramed eggs for breakfast ): Even though I didn't want to have breakfast, but I was studying and got extremely frustrated at square roots, or cubed roots, for that matter, and I decided that I needed to be full to have a fuctioning brain. Of course, I felt bad after so I've spent the entire day randoly exercising. Half and hour on the exercycle, resistance five, half an hour of aerobics, twenty mins of dance practice, streches and so forth. But I still don't think I've burned enough, so I'll probably do soe more time on the exercycle. I was supposed to go to my father's place to study, so he could help me with maths. I hate math, it hates me, you get the picture. But that didn't happen so I've been moochng around all day and snacking, but at least I got some exercise in.

Yes, I am aware this is my second post today. Just shows how bored I am.
14 followers? I gained two followers since this morning? Wow.

At Least It Wasn't A Binge.

Yesterday... well, it could have been better. Admittedly, I wouldn't have gone over 100 calories, and then I had ballet, aerobcs, walking and running to make up for it, but I still think it was bad. In fact, I know it was bad. I just weighed myself, and I've gained a kilo. I'm 54 again. This has to go. I gain even when I haven;t binged. And reading the entry I posted before, about the girl who doesn't binge, it makes me feel so ashamed. But as I have told many people, today is a new day. I was contemplating haing breakfast but I've decided it won't happen. I'll have a tiny lunch when I take a break from studying, and then I'll have dinner and go to bed.  want to lose all this weight, now. And if I can make it past the weekend, then I won't have to eat so much during the week because of school and dance and such. Also, I'm totally broke, so I can't buy any food. Which is fantastic.

I think there's something wrong with blogger. I've had this new blog for two, three days now, and somehow, I have 12 beautful followers! I love you guys, so much. You are my motivation. I'll get thin for you, promise.

Now for replies:
Zette: I'm 165 cm, 5'4 tall.
A.Stone: Glad you liked it
Bella: An inspiration? Me? That warms my heart so much. Although I'm probably not so inspiring after yesterday.
Amy: If it keeps you gong, I'm sure it's fine. Different things work for different people (:
Pixiestix014: I'll have to try that. *puts head on straight* Thanks!

Four Followers?

I think my eyes must be malfuctioning. Four followers in one day, really? This is fantastic, as my other blog was follower-less for about two weeks. Wow, but I love you guys! I'll try and make this blog more visually appealing too, add some extra information and such.

This is a rather tragic start to a new blog though, weight wise. I've stayed firmly put at 117 llbs. I'm not calling it a plateu yet because it's only been there for two days, and I have to admit I haven't been eating very well. But that will all change. I read a girl's post on Tumblr which goes:
'I get thousands of questions asking me how I’m doing this..
well here’s the answer.

I don’t give up.
I dont step on the scale and see 10 pounds gone and go reward myself with a bigmac meal from mcdonalds, I don’t think that because I did well yesterday I can enjoy a chocolate bar or bowl of pasta today, I don’t make excuses and say “I Messed up today, I’ll start again tomorrow (or next week)”, and I don’t binge.

If you want it THAT BAD, then you will do ANYTHING you’ve got to do to get there. No tomorrow, or next week, or the first of next month, no - NOW, right now'

I think her way of doing this is amazing. I don't reward myself for losing, but I do binge, and that does have to change. I want this bad, so bad. And really, I've been fooling myself saying ' oh, one day where I get to enjoy food - it doesn't matter ' But it does, it matters so much. I don't want to start over tomorrow, or next week - I'm starting now, and I won't stop. No binges, no nothing. Whenever I feel like binging I will read that post and cringe at my own weakness, and then not binge. If it works - no, when it works, I will thank her endlessly, and I will, for once, be thin and controlled as I have been striving to be.

Love xx.

Little Girl On The Run

At first glance, I look pretty new here. Reality is, I've been here a while under different accounts. Once known as Crushed and Created, I had to delete my blog because after weeks of my friends knowing about it, I decided that I couldn't be honest on that blog so it had to go. So here I am again, a girl on the run from her 'friends' who are intent on finding out every little detail of my twisted life.

The purpose of this blog is to keep me motivated. You could say that it's pro-ana, but in a different way, I guess. I won't give any tips or tricks, and I won't tell anyone they have to be anorexic. Anorexia is a disease and it kills. I do not have an eating disorder as far as I know, I have never been put into treatment or therapy, but I do have disordered eating behaviours. So here I will record my progress and just talk about my life. Just a note: I am not trying to be anorexic. Or, 'wannarexic'. Sure, I restrict and purge but I'm not an annoying 12 year old who is enticed by the glamourized media version of eating disorders. I know they ruin lives and kill, I am very aware of that. If I do develope one, it is not by choice.