Holidays have calmed me down.

And now I'm in a dead state. It's Christmas and I should be feeling wonderful, because my mood always perks up around summer and Christmas, holiday cheer has a big effect on me. But the weather's been wet and I haven't managed to get down to the holiday spot, so I'm not feeling the glow. But the tree is up and that's pleasing. Lets me know that even though it seems that Christmas is years away, it's only six days.

But something else has happened. Now that school is over and I haven't seen any of my friends, I've calmed down a lot. My mood was really psycho when I was around them, and I was binging constantly. But these holidays have seen the binging me say farewell and a more controlled me come out. I've been fasting on and off, 24 hours here, 32 there, and it's paying off. I think I might actually have a shot at reaching my summer goal.

There's somthing I've always thought about this whole 'disorder': I like to think there is a finish date, a point where I will get to my 'ultimate goal' and finally feel accomplished, even if ' not 'happy' with myself, but the issue is that I don't have a goal weight really. There's my summer goal, yes, but that's not hardly low enough. Because it's not about weight, so much, or appearence. It's gone back to what it was at the beginning - a desperate, constant urge to feel empty. That light-headed, perfect clarity that was my original goal. I even posted about it, a few thousand months ago, on my other blog, but I can't be bothered retriving the file because I exported it. But that's what makes it low enough, as I said before. Not low weight, but just the idea that a low weight means that I get that feeling, and it isn't achievable at my summer goal.

Now, my final thing that I wanted to talk about. I'm having issues with this blog. As in, I'm still not sure whether to keep it. I'm battling with the idea that no one has the right to know my secrets so why am  posting them all over the web? - but I also want a place to vent, to get it all out. And a diary never seems to work. So I guess I'll keep it, but I might not post all that often.

P.S: Does anyone know who the blogger ' Arrow ' is?

Where has it all gone?

I used to update this thing twice a day at least but now I can't even be bothered. Things have gone really weird. For example, today. Home alone, almost all day. No dinner last night, hadn't eaten anything since lunch yesterday ( a grilled cheese sandwich, ugh ). Perfect recipe for disaster. A prime-binge time. But I didn't have breakfast. I went for a run with my sister, then I came home and burnt another 300 cals running. Did some areobics. Stayed standing for a few hours ( burns 40 more cals than sitting per hour ) then I ate a bit of chocolate cookie mix, but not much, no more than 100 cals, purged. Did more excercise. And then, just a few minutes ago, I made a chocolate mousse. There's now that in the fridge plus a trife. I could binge, I'ev been thinking about toast all day. But I can't. I even said to myself before ' binge, dammit. you can, why aren't you? ' but the truth is, I just don't want to. Just like that, plain and simple. Not because I want to lose, even though I do, but for no other reason than I just don't want to. I'm hungry, but I don't want to. It's weird, but it's so incredibly brilliant. I just hope it stays that way for the whole holidays. Then maybe, maybe I'll be thin for the new year.

On to other things now. There was the christmas party at my local theatre yesterday evening, which I of course went to because the people there are some of my closest friends in the world. And here comes the bit which is pre-meditated by a long and complicated story of break-ups and make-ups, but anywho, my crush ( actually it's a bit more serious than a crush considering I've been in love with him for the last four years ) was talking to me liked he actually liked me, which doesn't sound like much but it actually is considering things have been extremely akward between the two of us for a very long time. But it made me so happy, like, estatic. Quite honestly. It's so soppy, isn't it? I'm just a lovesick teenager. Oh, how pathetic, but what is is. I just hate
being referred to as 'in love' because it sounds stupid. But yes. I'm happy, for now.

So what has happened while I've been gone? The same as what has happened for most. School's ended, holidays have started and we're all a little bit closer to the food fest that is Christmas. Also made about ten times worse for me as my sister and father's birthdays are both in December, and chances are we'll being going out to dinner for both of those. And that is a depressing fact, especially because I am known for eating large amounts when out on the town, so if I don't, they'll realise that something is wrong. Oh joy.

Has anyone heard of Ellie Goulding, Lights or Gabrielle Aplin? If you haven't, search for them on Youtube, especially 'Home' by Ellie Goulding. It's incredible. They are so of the most amazing artists and remind me so much of summer. Which is the other thing - this summer ain't very sunny. Stupid summer.

It's official.

I'm mental.
It's official, see? I'm a true, lock-her-up-and-throw-away-the-key type. I took a depression test, and there was a forum thing, for people who'd scored what I had, pretty much. There was a lady signed up with the site, because it was an official doctors and shit type site, with clinics in real life and all that, and we started up a chat and guess what? She fucking diagnosed me. Dysthymia. That's what I've got. Legal nutcase here. It's even got a fancy name. I've actually been diagnosed, by a doctor, with a psychological issue.
I don't know how to feel. I don't know if I believe her, seeing as it was over the internet. She could be a freak, the whole site and company could be a bunch of nutcases. But really, if it's true, how am I supposed to feel about knowing I'm a true nutter? How do I react? I don't know. I don't really care. It's just weird. I don't feel crazy, or depressed. Just sad most of the time. Not depressed. Not someone with dysthymia.
Honestly, I think I'm just a little bit scared.